- Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”
- Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best
- Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door
- Having someone sit next to you on the train or bus, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home
- The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train or bus ticket is accepted by the inspector
- The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train or bus too”
- “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it
- Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck
- Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change
- Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again
- Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested
- Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”
- Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon
- Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it
- Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave
- Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible
- The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about
- Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake..
- Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot.
- Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink
- “You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit
- Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it
- “I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”
- Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever
- Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever
- Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’
- Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing
- Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again
- The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up
- Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again
do you have any that we missed?